Why I Felt Empty at the Top — And What it Taught Me About Meaning and Purpose.

I often hear from people who are experiencing something I struggled with years ago, a quiet but persistent feeling that something is missing, even when life looks good on paper.

Looking back, I now understand that feeling empty even when life looks good is more common than we realize.

I get it, because I’ve lived it. This picture was taken of my husband and me at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro, one of the highest mountains in the world.

Ironically, I was standing literally on top of the world, yet inside I had never felt emptier.

At the time, I believed the problem was that my life lacked meaning and purpose.

What I would later come to understand was something deeper.

I had become disconnected from myself.

When the Dream Begins to Feel Empty

At the time, I was 50 and travelling all over the world after a long and fulfilling career as a nurse. My two children were successfully launched into adulthood. I had a wonderful husband, family, and friends.

When my husband retired and wanted to travel more, it seemed like the perfect time to leave my career and begin exploring the next chapter of life together.

To anyone looking in from the outside, I had everything.

People often told me they were envious of my life and that I was living the dream.

And for a while, it did feel that way.

But gradually something began to stir inside me, something I later came to describe as soul hunger.

It was a deep and uncomfortable longing for a life that felt more meaningful and aligned with who I truly was. I explore this phenomenon further in my article Soul Hunger: The Silent Epidemic of the 21st Century.

At the time, though, I didn’t understand what was happening.

I only knew that something felt profoundly missing.

The Confusion of Having a Good Life That Doesn’t Feel Right

The more I tried to ignore the feeling, the stronger it became.

I found myself increasingly unhappy with my life. I was busy but not doing things that felt meaningful to me.

Ironically, a life that looked like the dream on the outside was beginning to create anxiety within me. My life force energy seemed to withdraw, leaving me wondering if I was depressed.

Looking back now, I see that this was not depression in the way I understood it then. I later wrote an article exploring how what has been called developmental depression may actually be a signal that it’s time to grow into the next version of ourselves.

My soul was withdrawing energy from a life that was no longer aligned with who I truly was.

I eventually realized that I had been living my husband’s dream rather than my own. I had spent so much of my life adapting and going with the flow that I had lost touch with my own inner guidance.

This disconnect began to affect my emotional and physical health as well. My stress hormones, including cortisol, were elevated, and a cascade of health issues followed.

This experience taught me something that has since become foundational in my work: we are holistic beings. We cannot separate our body, mind, heart, and soul. When we live disconnected from ourselves, our whole system eventually feels the strain.

The Search for Something More

At the time, I didn’t yet understand the root of what I was experiencing. I simply knew that something in my life needed to change.

So I began searching.

I travelled, golfed, socialized, painted, volunteered, trained for triathlons, and even took courses in interior design.

From the outside, these looked like wonderful activities. But inside, the feeling that something was missing only deepened.

Eventually, my soul hunger turned into what I can only describe as soul pain.

I had experienced difficult seasons in life before, but this felt different. Looking back, I now recognize that I was moving through what many spiritual traditions call a dark night of the soul — a time when the meaning structures that once guided your life begin to dissolve.

Eckhart Tolle describes it as “a collapse of a perceived meaning in life… an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.”

At the time, I would not have described myself as spiritual. But I knew I was being invited into a profound transformation.

The Path Back Home to Myself

In the midst of this confusion, I began to sense that the answers I was searching for were not out in the world somewhere.

They were within me.

That realization marked the beginning of a very different kind of journey, learning how to navigate my life from the inside out.

Meditation became the doorway.

At first, I simply hoped it would calm my busy mind and stabilize my stress hormones. But as I established a regular meditation practice, something deeper began to shift. The stillness allowed me to reconnect with parts of myself I had been overlooking for years.

Meditation helped me quiet the noise of my mind so I could hear the quieter voice within.

Through that process, I began to see my patterns more clearly. I realized how often I had lived my life in response to the needs and expectations of others rather than in alignment with my own inner guidance.

I had become so accustomed to going with the flow that I had lost touch with my own flow.

Gradually, I began growing my relationship with the most important person in my life – myself.

A Bridge Between Two Halves of Life

Over time, I came to see that the dark night of the soul had been a bridge between the first half of my life and the second.

In the first half, I had fulfilled many important roles: daughter, wife, mother, nurse.

In the second half, I was being invited to live more consciously and more authentically from within.

As I deepened my connection with myself, something remarkable happened.

My health stabilized. My reactivity softened. My relationships deepened. Clarity returned, and a sense of purpose began to emerge more naturally.

I didn’t need to fix my life.

I needed to learn how to live it in a new way.

What I Understand Now

At the time, I believed I was searching for meaning and purpose.

Years later, I see it differently.

What I was really longing for was a deeper relationship with myself.

When that relationship becomes strained or neglected, life can begin to feel empty even when everything appears fine on the outside.

But when we begin rebuilding that relationship through awareness, reflection, and inner practices, something powerful begins to shift.

Vitality returns. Clarity grows. Purpose emerges more organically.

In another article, I explore this idea more deeply and how growing your relationship with yourself can change the way you experience your health, relationships, and sense of purpose.

About the Author: Bev Janisch

Bev Janisch is a certified meditation teacher, private mindfulness coach, and Enneagram guide who helps thoughtful, caring people grow their relationship with themselves. Grounded in science and guided by soul, her work integrates stress regulation, mindfulness, and personality insight to build inner capacity for calm, clarity, and self-trust. Bev believes the quality of our relationship with ourselves shapes our health, relationships, and contributions. Through her 4 Keys to Inner Peace framework, she guides people in integrating body, heart, mind, and soul so they can live with vitality, meaningful relationships, and purpose. Bev is the author of Awakening a Woman’s Soul: The Power of Meditation and Mindfulness to Transform Your Life.