The Dark Night of the Soul (DNOS) is more than a struggle—it’s an awakening.

Have you ever felt like your life was quietly falling apart, even when everything looked fine from the outside?

I remember watching a beautiful sunset, surrounded by everything I thought would make me happy, and all I felt was this profound emptiness. I had what many would consider an ideal existence, yet inside, something felt fundamentally missing.

The DNOS may begin with what I call soul hunger—that quiet ache that something is missing, even when life looks good on the outside. You may feel restless, disconnected, or empty, wondering why gratitude isn’t enough to make you feel whole. For many, this ache deepens into what mystics have described as the Dark Night of the Soul—a profound invitation to transformation.

The DNOS is not a sign that you’re broken. It’s a passage that unravels the layers of your conditioned self—roles, beliefs, and unconscious patterns so that the deeper truth of who you are can emerge.

The phrase was first used by John of the Cross, a 16th-century Spanish mystic and poet. While its origins are religious, today it’s widely understood as a universal metaphor for the spiritual process of transformation that transcends any tradition. The dark night is less about doctrine and more about the deeply human journey of shedding what no longer serves us so we can realign with authenticity, purpose, and inner peace.

Unraveling: When the Old Self Falls Away

The dark night often begins when the strategies and identities that once worked no longer do. Things that once brought comfort or success may now feel empty. Many describe it as:

Have you ever felt this way—like you’re living someone else’s life?

This unraveling isn’t something we choose. It’s your soul’s way of getting your attention when you’ve drifted too far from your true nature. Sometimes it’s triggered by a crisis—a loss, a health challenge, a relationship ending. Other times it creeps in slowly through the ache of soul hunger. Either way, it calls us to let go of outdated ways of being and begin a deeper journey home to ourselves.

If you’re curious about what’s actually happening during this unraveling process, it helps to understand that the dark night of the soul is really about your personality patterns loosening their grip.

When this ache is misunderstood, it’s often confused with depression. But while they can look similar on the surface, depression and the dark night aren’t the same thing.

Many people experiencing the dark night of the soul seek help from traditional therapy, only to find that conventional approaches don’t address the spiritual dimension of what they’re going through.

Growth-Oriented Dark Night vs. Spiritual Crisis

It’s important to note that there are different kinds of “dark nights.”

  • For some, it’s a growth-oriented Dark Night of the Soul — a season of emptiness, loss of spark, or questioning that, while painful, still allows them to function in daily life. With the right tools and support, this kind of dark night becomes a catalyst for reconnecting with your true self.

  • For others, it can feel more like a spiritual crisis — sudden, destabilizing, and overwhelming. Symptoms may include extreme anxiety, despair, or difficulty functioning. This is sometimes referred to as a “spiritual emergency,” and it requires therapeutic or crisis-level support.

My work focuses on supporting people in the first group: those navigating a growth-oriented dark night who are ready for practical tools to calm their nervous system, reconnect with themselves, and begin living with greater clarity and authenticity.

For those in a spiritual crisis, inner practices like meditation can be challenging.  I wrote more about why people struggle with their meditation practice here. If you believe you may be experiencing a spiritual crisis, I encourage you to seek therapeutic support and explore resources from the Spiritual Crisis Network.

The In-Between Space: No Longer and Not Yet

As the old self loosens, we enter this strange in-between space—where the old no longer fits but the new hasn’t fully arrived. This can feel like an emotional and spiritual freefall. Confusion, emptiness, and questioning everything you once believed are common.

Psychiatrist Gerald May described it beautifully: “little cracks in our armor that reveal glimpses of our deeper longing and true nature.” In this tender space, our personality craves certainty, but the dark night asks us to surrender to the unknown.

Maybe you’ve noticed this too—questioning not just your circumstances, but who you thought you were?

It’s here that practices from the 4 Keys to Inner Peace become vital:

Self-Regulation to calm the nervous system in the storm.

Self-Love to meet yourself with compassion in the shadows.

Self-Discovery to see who you are beyond roles and conditioning.

Self-Expression to begin aligning with your soul’s truth.

These aren’t quick fixes, but they provide the ground beneath your feet as you navigate the dark night.

Rebirth: Living From Soul

Every dark night carries the seed of rebirth. The old self falls away so a truer self can emerge. As James Hollis wrote, “There is no going forward without a death of some kind: a death of who we thought we were and were supposed to be… But life has other plans; indeed, our own souls have other plans.”

On the other side of this passage, your personality no longer eclipses your soul—it becomes an instrument for its expression. Life may look outwardly similar, but inwardly, something profound shifts:

You feel more peaceful and at home in your own skin.

You have clarity about who you are and what truly matters.

You live less from performance and more from authenticity.

You reconnect with vitality, creativity, and meaning.

The ache of something missing transforms into a sense of wholeness and alignment.

My Own Journey Through the Dark Night

For months, I’d wake up with this unexplained heaviness. I had what many would consider an ideal existence, yet inside, something felt profoundly off. I’d catch myself staring out windows, wondering, “Is this it? Is this all there is?”

I felt guilty for not being grateful, confused by the emptiness, and scared that something was fundamentally wrong with me.

That emptiness forced me to retreat into what felt like a cocoon, shedding conditioned layers, and learning new tools—meditation, mindfulness, nervous system regulation and the Enneagram—that helped me turn inward. It was a painful process, but ultimately a turning point. I could no longer go through the motions of a life that looked fine on the outside but felt empty on the inside.

What I came to understand is that what we often call the dark night of the soul is really the dark night of the personality—loosening our identification with the ‘outer garment’ we created to survive.

This was the beginning of my spiritual, not religious, journey. One that invited me to live not just as a human doing, but as a soul expressing through human life.

Moving Forward

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself, I want you to know something: you are not broken—you are awakening. It is okay to feel lost. The dark night isn’t just about enduring suffering; it’s about reconnecting with yourself in a new way.

This journey asks a lot of us. The uncertainty can feel overwhelming, and the loneliness can be profound. But what I’ve learned—both through my own dark night and walking alongside others in theirs—is that you don’t have to navigate it alone.

If you’re wondering what to expect or whether what you’re experiencing is ‘normal,’ these 7 truths from people who’ve navigated the dark night might give you hope and perspective.

If you’re in a growth-oriented dark night and ready to explore this journey with compassionate guidance, I invite you to schedule a complimentary clarity call.

In the following interview, I speak with Dr. Angela Grace, a registered psychologist and holistic healer, about integrating spirituality and psychology and her journey through the dark night of the soul.

Let’s chat in the comments. Our community would love to hear from you!