7 Signs You’re In A Soul-Nourishing Relationship.

An increasing number of people are awakening to their spiritual nature and the call of their souls. This evolution in consciousness strains traditional relationships that once served their purpose.

When we awaken, we become aware that we have a dual nature – part of us, our conditioned self, and the other part, our true self.

Intimate relationships constantly stir up the different energies inside us. We can feel a tug of war between our conditioned self’s constrictive energies and our soul’s more expansive energies.

The energy of our conditioned self is seeking comfort, familiarity, and a sense that someone else can meet our needs for wholeness. The soul’s energy invites us to partner with others to grow in unconditional love and wisdom.

Neal Donald Walsh put it this way,

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

7 signs of a soul-nourishing relationship:

1. You can share your feelings and that part of yourself that is hard to share.

You are willing to do it even though it feels uncomfortable and may cause discomfort in you and your partner. Just like personal growth is often painful, so too is relationship growth.

John Powell, in the powerful little book Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am,  expressed that “If you and I can honestly tell each other who we are, that is, what we think, judge, feel, value, love, honour and esteem, hate fear, desire, hope for, believe in and are committed to, then and then only can each of us grow.”

2. You realize that to grow together, you need enough space to grow as individuals.

In a healthy soul-supporting relationship, we need to grow and not lose ourselves in the other person’s interests and passions. You maintain the “I” while being aware of the “we.”

This goes for our relationships with our children, parents, and siblings. It is common to hear people say that they are so busy focusing on other people and their needs and lives that they lose touch with themselves and don’t know who they are anymore.

I was at a wedding several years ago and was struck when I heard the bride say, “I will always put us and our relationship before me.” As women, we’re taught to be self-sacrificing, and when we lose our dreams, personal power, and sense of self, we will not thrive. It was unsurprising to me that the marriage didn’t last, and one of the big reasons was misbeliefs about what it means to be in a relationship with others and how we need space and our sense of self to grow and evolve.

3. You understand that whether you’re happy or unhappy in your relationship is never about the other person.

It is always about you. When you are unhappy in a relationship, it’s always about something that you need to heal within yourself.

Most challenges in relationships are a lack of self-love and self-respect. When you begin to love yourself fully, you will know that you either need to change yourself within the relationship or that the relationship isn’t what you need to grow and evolve into the person you were meant to become.

4. You realize that not all relationships are meant to last forever.

Relationships are meant to last as long as both people heal, grow, and evolve as individuals within the relationship.

Relationships have evolved from people coming together to meet their basic survival needs, having children, and feeling secure to growing spiritually and raising your level of awareness and consciousness.

Gary Zukav, who wrote The Seat of the Soul, describes a spiritual partnership as a “partnership between equals for spiritual growth.”

5. Your relationship isn’t about two half people coming together to create a whole.

It’s about two whole people creating opportunities and challenging each other to grow and evolve into the complete and entire individuals we were meant to be.

A book by Hal Edward Runkel, The Self-Centred Marriage: Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I,” challenges many traditional beliefs about marriage. It stresses that being self-centred doesn’t mean we’re being self-absorbed. The author explained,

Every great marriage is a self-centred marriage, because a great marriage takes two-centred selves, working to develop themselves as individuals capable of living up to their vows and sharing of themselves for the other’s benefit, without needing the other partner to return the favour.

6. You accept that relationships are meant to grow and evolve.

Change is uncomfortable, yet it’s a natural part of life as everything constantly changes and evolves, including our relationships.

Some experts say that one person can change the whole relationship, and while I agree with that, theoretically, the change is turbo-charged when both people are on board.

I have observed with the awakening souls that I coach that if one person in the relationship is growing while the other refuses to, the gap between the two becomes too great, and a feeling of disconnect arises. When this happens, it often becomes a choice point for the awakening soul who feels like their soul is being suffocated in the relationship. Do I stay for the sake of our kids? Do I ask my partner to change? Do I end the relationship? 

7. You understand that “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical,”

This phrase from Melody Beattie’s book, The Language of Letting Go, explains that experiences that cause you to react severely are linked to historical life experiences. As soon as you notice yourself “reacting” and your buttons being pushed, something from your past has triggered you.

By understanding this in yourself and your partner, you can take a step back and transform the experience by understanding where the reaction comes from. It is through the pushing of our buttons that we heal. That is, if we become aware of it and have the tools to work together.

This poem, written by Kahlil Gibran, speaks to what I believe are the most important things to remember about our relationships:

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love;
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cups but drink not from one cup.
Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let
each one of you be alone,
even as the strings of a flute are alone though they
quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in
each other’s shadow.”

Developing soulful relationships is about the delicate balance of togetherness and separateness. When we find the right balance, we thrive as two individuals who enrich each other’s lives.